A Letter to Buttons - Feb. 27, 2011

Well, Kiddo, another year has gone by and I wish it did feel like it was only yesterday but it's not...;(

7 years is a LONG TIME!

Yah, life did go on...but it has NEVER been the same without you!

YET...it still feels the same, like you are still here with me?


We'd have a good laugh about the "padded room" after that last statement...;(


I don't feel like you have passed on! I know it's wishful thinking on my part, but the feeling that I have about you, won't go away! I feel like you are still trying to contact me but can't? I have this strong feeling that you are trying to gain enough energy to let us know what REALLY happened to you...was it murder like I believe it to be or just a STUPID ACCIDENT?

The little evil IMP that sits on one of my shoulders, wants your husband to be guilty and to be NEVER, EVER be happy again!

That's the part of me that refuses to believe that you could EVER have been that CARELESS! Especially, after all of my pleas for you to be safe on that farm! Pleas to the point of nagging you and your ABSOLUTE REASSURANCE, THAT YOU ARE ALWAYS CAREFUL...YOU WOULD NEVER, EVER BE THAT CARELESS...YOUR VOW TO ME!

I remember the FEAR that you had of that machine...your wish that you had NEVER had bought that equipment! It's that little imp yelling at me NOT TO EVER FORGET THAT STATEMENT!


AND.....all of the other facts that points the guilty finger at him!


I. CAN. NOT. IMAGINE. WHY YOU WOULD WILLINGLY STEP INTO THAT DANGEROUS AREA KNOWING FULL WELL THAT IT COULD KILL YOU AT ANY MOMENT? YOU HAD TO OF KNOWN WHERE YOUR HUSBAND WAS!!!!!


Then there's the "Nice" little imp sitting on the other shoulder jabbing it's sharp needle into my caring side [yes, I do have one] yelling at me to remember that there are people out there that would be hurt even more if I was right! The only thing is...the jabs aren't that strong nor that frequent? Why is that?

These last couple have weeks have been harder than usual.

With all of the paranormal searching going on these last two weekends and with what I have been feeling about you lately, I had hoped that you could have picked up on the increase of the psychic energy from all the psychics that came...[which they were supposed to have brought with them]...;}

PoD and I never once mentioned you nor the circumstances of your death...it was kind of a silent experiment. One woman did mention a feeling of sadness upon approaching the town and the building, she hadn't been told anything about history of the place. But no one ever felt anything coming from PoD or me, sadness wise. We acted like there was nothing out of the ordinary in our lives. Our experiment ends on this subject as soon as this post goes out. Unless something is recorded!

There was a questionable time when we were using the Ghost Box that I'd hoped you would be able to say something through it during the time I was mentally trying to channel you [I know sounds crazy to the non-believer and you guys don't matter] but the words uttered during those moments didn't jive.

If it was you...only PoD or I could confirm that it could have been you?

Maybe if I had said something they could have channeled more towards you but that's where the skeptic in me feels that they should already get that vibe from me as it's so strong! They should have known!

Anyways it didn't happen.


And life does goes on!


For your family news...I hear [PoD]/read [facebook] that your grand daughter has been quite a handful with her being a fussy sleeper. It doesn't help that she's teething too...remember those wonderful days....;} I'm sure you would get the same enjoyment that I do when I see/hear that they now know what we went through...;) Yet the young all act like it's something new..."we have no idea"...;)?

They now call her Ginny like we did you but I'm not sure how I will feel about me saying it? It might be "Little Ginny"...who knows?

I haven't seen her since I held her last so I can't say how much she has grown. I do get to see her through the pictures they post on the computer and she has even experienced an outdoor adventure. Your family has gotten into "Mud Quading" and spends many a muddy weekend looking for water holes...this would have been right up your alley! Which kind of sounds like fun to me too! Although I'd hate to see their wash machines now...;}

But that's another thing he robbed you of that I can't forgive him for! At least you can rest easy knowing they are not moping around feeling sorry for your loss like I do...;{

Anyways...I don't want them to suffer your loss...just him!

I do know your kids still miss you very much!

As for your loving [?] husband...

Eener met another one of his "new" girlfriends [as he's still on the look out for your replacement] and she's another "wonderful" person in her eyes. It's hard for me to "not remember" how wonderful the first replacement was and how she walked away with a guestimation of 100,ooo.oo of your hard earned money [after a few short years]. I still say...PAY OFF! For WHAT...I believe I already know!

I guess I will "have to" reserve judgment on this next one until I meet her...although I never even met the first one and I never ever liked her?!

He did tell me that he was going to move on with his life after your death and with what you told me of his love for you...all this scenario stuff ends up with me being confused on whether you told me the truth of your relationship or not?

My confusion has been..."how does one replace the person they loved for 26 years so quickly, so easily, if they were so much in love"?

For myself....trust in a relationship means everything in life to me! Maybe not so much for others is something one must learn accept?

As you know I turned 60 a few days ago...that was a tense time for me! Remember this was our age goal when we both found out that we had Diabetes and were told to expect 10 years to be taken off what we'd figure our real life to be [70]! Well, I got here and have decided that I will continue to live every day just like it is going to be my last! No...I will not fret about dying either because we will die when it's our time whether we worry about it or not....so why worry about it!

My only accomplishment left, for this moment, is trying to leave this world as I started it....debt free! In the seven years I have had of single freedom, I have managed to get it down to only 25 percent left! Both my kids seem to be managing as well as can be expected for this day and age, as well as yours are.

I did have a tense moment on Valentine's Day with an intense "wannabe", way under age, suitor who figured that we all are capable of loving more than one person at a time and I should join his list of accomplishments in the sack! A psychic addition could only add to it. After all it came to him in a dream and I was very willing then..."I was meant to tell him the meaning of life"? The drunken idiot couldn't figure out for himself that my so-called abilities would have warned me and I would never had answered the phone when he called numerous times or I wouldn't have been there when he showed up!

Thinking back now....I did tell him the meaning of his life after all...I did tell him that he was lacking human emotions of any kind and considered him to be pond scum and much, much more....? Drunks don't normally remember conversations as they aren't listening while your having them, so I don't think he will remember my important words after all which maybe cause for reappearance...;( This IS a big worry for me even as I joke about it! How drunk or forceful IF there is a next time!

Sorry this is a day late but all energies right now are running in slow motion! My legs are jello like right now with all of the stair climbing that we did the last 2 weekends trying to keep up with all the paranormal researchers enthusiasms. Not to mention done while in a dry hot sauna that is the courthouse, remember! Plus I need to catch up on some badly needed sleep if I plan on making any money at my job.

Have much more to say so link mental with me okay kiddo...

Missing you always....

love XOXOXOXOXO


Bones

A LONG AWAITED ADDITION...

"Buttons...Ben and Peggy have done you proud

...you have your first  grandchild!"

And I have a new Great Niece...

This one is special in the fact that it's my deceased sister's first grandchild!

Sadly one that she will never see or get to hold...;(

This is the look of joy I know she would show...

maybe even a LOT more...

[this is an old photo of her holding my first grandchild...

I've added hers instead]

I know that she would love the fact that they named her after her "Virginia [Louise]" and Peggy's grandmother "Lily"...who raised her from childhood. 


It just so happens that PoD's Great Great Grand Mother's name is "Lily" and it was a family tradition in their family that all the girls all have flowers in their names. [I didn't know that at the time of my daughter's naming, her grand mother's name was Daisy Violet and Lily Rose was her mother's]. So how weird is that...as I'm sure PoD and Peggy never discussed that fact.


Lily is such a pretty name too!




But what do I want to call our new addition...?


I like the two of them together? VirginiaLily...but you kind of say their whole name together like that when your angry at them?




We all called my sister by her nickname "Ginny". But in her final year, she mentioned that a few women in her town called her "Virginia" and she kind of liked it better than the name "Ginny". Her husband could never wrap his tongue around the name "Ginny" so he called her "Jenny"?

So, seeing as our younger sister and I had changed ours to the ones we liked, it was only fair that she get to change hers too!

In my last conversation with her [on my birthday, 9 days before she died] I did jokingly say to her "Luv you...Bye...Virginia" before I hung up...?



My first comment to my daughter upon seeing this first photo of Virginia Lily was... "what a cute little button nose"! PoD then replied, that she had "her, button nose"...so have I nicknamed her "Buttons" by my first response?


But "Buttons" is my nickname for Ginny now!


Hmmmmm?

I'm sending out a mental vibe......mmmmmmm

Any of my fans and lurkers out there got a comment on which one I chose...and why I might have?


1. Virginia

2. Lily

3. VirginiaLily


4. Ginny


5. Buttons

I won't tell you until you tell me...;}

A BLACK SATURDAY...for me and my family

A Mystic Letter to Buttons...

Hey kiddo:
Another year [6] has gone by and the hole in my heart left by your loss, hasn't gotten any smaller...if anything it has grown! I'd like to find that person who said "time heals all wounds" and slap them upside the head! I still miss mom & dad and that's been 48 & 37! I want to smack those who say "they're in a better place now"...I'm still living in this world and it hasn't been that bad, so why the better place?

It's been a long 7 months since I last visited your grave during your son's wedding. Things are great with them, even after their wedding disaster and the best news is...they are expecting in May! I guess the wedding time was a good time after all...:)!

I hope it was your "Orb" that I captured during their signing. I loved their wonderful tribute to you...

Lots of tears on this one.....!

I've had some great news and more questions about the questionable happenings since your horrible death!

The great news is your "loving"[?] husband's, new girl friend, is now out of his life!

And it cost him a bundle to get rid of her...:)

Your son's wedding was a great time for his father to show everyone his true colors! I guess him and his only friend [the bottle], have been making quite an impression on the town and to his girlfriend. I heard the two of them really got "into it" when they both get plastered! Sadly, the biggest one had to happen on your kid's special day?

Even our brother Tank and SewLady tried going for coffee [cause they were invited the night before] that next morning of the wedding and met with a very FROSTY situation going down at your hubby's place. They didn't stick around to find out what. Even your daughter had enough of them and left early too!


To update you more on what puzzles me with their situation and makes for more questions on your death not being an accident...

-Last year, on the day of the 5th anniversary of your death, your husband suffered a heart attack...needed 2 stents put in. His high consumption of alcohol plus unhealthy eating habits, probably contributed to his having one...but on that day? He was cleared of all charges, it's been 5 yrs, he's moved on in his love life, he's semi retired? Why that day...if he has a clear conscious?

-He thought he was going to die so he gifted his girlfriend with 20,000.00...so she'll be taken care of? Although when he got better, he wanted it back and she said no...:)

-She has made accusations against him about things that are unknown to me, yet have enough affect on him that he buys her [silence] expensive gifts?

-She accuses him of sleeping around on her...does she also think, "once a cheat always a cheat", like I do? If so, was she the one that I believe he was seeing while you and I had fun the last year we were together? He sure was trying to smooth talk me into him seeing someone right after your death... so he wouldn't be lonely? And yes, I have thought that she might just be the jealous type...but from what I have heard, she comes off as being too calculating to be just jealous! His being a "tight-wad" was well known to everyone who knew him...yet he forks out money to her left and right? Sure stinks of possible blackmail to me! If she did know something about your death [during one of his drunken stupors] then she could be an accessory after the fact? But still wouldn't make her crime as bad as his! Both still have to keep quiet!

What more motive could your husband want...

With the kids gone, you and him were planning to sell the farm and settle somewhere. I know you weren't to crazy about the town near you and you did mention something about moving near us? I got the impression from you that last time, when you wanted to attend that trade show [on my birthday], that you had something exciting on your mind. Was that why you were so disappointed when I couldn't afford to go?

You did mention once about splitting up because of his recent drinking to accesses?

As for Eener and me...we don't see eye to eye on your death. She told me that the new girlfriend cornered her at the wedding and told her a lot of bad things about you. She refused to tell me what,,,saying that it would only make me madder about her? Like NOT telling me doesn't! But knowing her, it might be a lie, she can't get out of...you know like the ones she told while growing up. Until she tells me what...things will stay bad between us!

The other shocking news to me, was the splitting of half  "their" house! He told me it was HIS place and now half belonged to her?

During the wedding he cried the "drunk blues" about losing an investment [80,000.00], to anyone [BillyRoo] who would listen and was mad that he should've spent it on a cruise they were planning to go on instead. Like why would you tell anyone how stupid you were in losing that amount...if there wasn't a hidden purpose in letting all your guests know this for some reason? If it was a ploy for me to not charge much for the decor, why tell everyone else? The kids DID get a "deal" but not because of his whine! It was a gift from us to them!

Another puzzlement at the wedding was the lack of friends you two knew...the ones that your kids grew up with? Your neighbors? I knew a lot of them too...yet they weren't there? Except for your catering boss/friend and she said she only came out of retirement for your son and to honor you. I gave her a BIG HUG for doing that. I got the impression that she wasn't too happy about his dad...no details on why?



With all that I know/suspect and the gut feeling that I have, says that all is not right, somewhere! One just needs that physical proof!

YET...

I WANT to give this guy a break [for your kid's sake] and IF it was JUST an accident, I DO feel sorry for him, if he still feels somehow responsible anyways. THAT'S punishment enough for him! I'm not that heartless!

It's your kids that worry me the most as they have to deal with the way that he is right now...so I'll stay quiet!

BUT....

Things should STOP adding up elsewhere if he IS so innocent?


I wish I knew one way or the other!!!!


Wish you could let me know some way....


Missing You Buttons!


Love XOXOXOXOXO

Your Big Sis........Bones

A VERY BLACK HEART DAY!

Dear Buttons:

Has it only been 5 years since your untimely death?
It seems like it was only yesterday!

Waking with tears flooding out of my eyes IS an appropriate way to start this terrible day! My tears are for you and a lot for me...I seem to be selfish that way!

I don't wish this type of grief on anyone [well maybe one] and it's been a long, long sad journey without you!

I'm sorry sis, but the rage and anger is still there!

Today my heart is the deepest black!

I'm sorry but I still can't forgive him for ending your life! [read full story Feb 27, 2007 post...I'd link it but don't know how]

I've heard he's finally having a rough time of it and is back on the bottle again...showing everyone around him his true face!

We BOTH knew how it was with him...sadly you loved him anyways!

They say he regrets his moving in with her too soon [4 mon]after the funeral. I hope you have been haunting them both...I would have!

I hope the thought of what he did to you eats him alive!

Sadly, your children still have to deal with that...:( BUT we both know they must be used to seeing him that way!

Hearing he's this way warms my heart better than hearing about his new love life, gifts he showers on her, travel plans of cruises...mostly the things he refused to do for you!

Drinking is now breaking them apart...:)


I have some heart warming news for you...your son is getting married in Aug, close to your birthday] to the girl that you approved of. I'm helping her with the decorations but wished that your were here to do them instead.

But some sad news too...your daughter needs your help! Her marriage is falling apart and she's trying to keep it together by wanting to get pregnant. Hope you can give her a helping hand? Knowing you, I feel that your spirit is still around us because I have felt your presence near me! Probably wishful thinking on my part.

I still spend many a day remembering our last times together and I will cherish those thoughts for ever. I can only wish that I have someone [besides my children] that will remember me with the same heart felt fondness!

REST IN PEACE....BUTTONS

You will NEVER be forgotten by me!

Your loving and very lost sister....Bones

A SAD, SAD DAY!

Today is "Button's Day" for us here...no work will be done for the shop... in remembrance of the ending of her work day!

Sadly this marks the 4th anniversary of my sister's untimely death!

Four long years of wishing her to be still in our lives!

The pain of her passing hasn't eased one bit!

This morning I was awaken at 4:44 with ringing in my ears and tears in my eyes?

4:44 in the mystic world, is supposed to mean that an angel just got their wings or is trying to contact you!

I hope that my angel has hers already and just wanted to let me know that she's still here with me?

Like I said it's already a SAD, SAD day....

I HATE THIS DAY!!!

Three years ago today I received the phone call everyone dreads!

My younger sister died in a tragic farm accident!

An accident that could have been prevented!

I remember telling her to work safe…and she didn’t!

They say that time heals all wounds so why is it that I feel like it was only yesterday!

There was only 18 months difference in our ages and our mom dressed us like twins. Even our relatives couldn’t tell us apart! So that’s probably why I feel like I’ve lost my twin!

We had only just found each other again and our last year together was wonderful…so full of memories!

That whole year was magical for me and yet quite puzzling?

Her husband was a stickler for her helping out on the farm and usually she had to beg him to take the time to come and see me [we lived only 2 hrs apart]!

We celebrated Easter, took in the town wide garage sale [garage “sailing” was our favorite past time], she helped me put a float together for the parade [we won first prize in the commercial sector] and we rode together while in that parade. That was the first time the parade ever had a bagpipe band [since the 23 yrs been here] and it was right in front of us…she said that they had it just for her because it was her favorite…they haven’t had one since. We attended a gift show in Edmonchuk [Aug] and used that time together to do a memory lane trip. We parked my trailer on our old home site [which is now the exhibitions parking lot] right beside one of the trees that we used to climb as kids. We went swimming in the outdoor pool that we use to train in [our family was into competitive swimming] and was grossed out by the unhealthy condition that it was in so we swam in the other indoor pool near the area. We used these times as our daily shower and clean up. For her birthday we went to the Storyland Valley Zoo where we learned that the zoo was first located in the park near our home…we used to go there a lot when we were kids! We even visited the flower/plant conservatory before going back home.

We did a memory lane about our past as we traveled back and her memory was better than mine. She remembered our nick-name that we had for each other. Hers was “Buttons” and mine was “Bones”…I guess way back when I was crazy about Halloween!

The odd part of the story is that I was very unhealthy at that time and was even sick on the way home. I had this bad feeling that made me feel like I was going to die soon and we talked a lot about death and how we would like our funerals to be? Being too sick to drive home I stayed over night at her house and headed out early in the morning with a feeling that I was never coming back to her place! Which I never have been!

I thought that would be our last time together yet we were able to go camping and she came to see me again at Halloween. She loved doing up the courthouse for the event and was sad that we were not going to be doing it again until the year after that. She even came back to help out on those nights and helped take stuff down afterwards.

We saw each other again at Xmas time and when we parted I had the strongest urge to hug her but didn’t [our family wasn’t the hugging type…something I have since changed] this is something I will regret forever!

It was the happiest year for the both of us! I did mention it to her but thought maybe her husband was changing for the better…I wasn’t going to complain.

I received a gift from her in the mail for my birthday.
The card gave me quite a shock and my heart felt like it fell to the floor when I opened it!
The front was all black and said “My Deepest Condolences”!
Inside was written “On the passing of your youth” Happy Birthday Anyway…Love your younger sister.
Her gift to me was a little fairy [angel?] sitting on a basket of strawberries?

We didn’t normally buy gifts for each other but that last year we did?

The last time I spoke to her was on my birthday where we joked about the card and my reaction to it.

Nine days later she was dead!

Her passing brought our family together once again at her funeral…if only for that moment!

What it has taught me is that life is too short and I value the closeness of my other younger sister even more so! Without her I would be lost! We three girls used to be the “Three Musketeers”.

I have also become closer to my older brother “Tank” and my sister-in-law ever since then and they to me!
I am happy for that!

I wish I could be closer to my niece and nephew but sadly I am not. Although she does visit us from time to time and she has gotten closer to PoD and that makes me happy!

The bad thing is my hate for my brother-in-law!

I first felt sorry for him because of his involvement until he found love with another woman, only four short months after his wife’s death?

That only increased my questions about my sister’s death?

This is a boil that is still festering!

Time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds!

Mine are still bleeding!

Color this day BLACK!!!