THE ADULT VERSION
..... A XMAS CARD SENT TO ME FROM BROTHER-IN-LAW
T’was the night before xmas and all through the house,
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
And the mickey I’d hidden by the chimney with care
Had been snatched by some bum, who’d found it right there.
My friends for the night had been poured in their beds,
To wake in the morning with hung over heads.
My mouth full of cotton, dropped down with a snap
Because I was dying for one wee nitecap.
When thru the north window there came a loud yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh
I knew it was Santa quite tiddley and gay.
Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched & hiccoughed and called them by name,
“On whiskey! On Vodka! We ain’t got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!
Clamber up on the roof, and get off of this wall,
Get going you rummies, we’ve still a long haul!!”
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.
And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Xmas Carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.
He was dressed all in red and white fur for a trim.
The way Santa swayed he was tanked to the brim,
The sack on his back held nothing but booze
And the breath that he blew almost put me to snooze.
He was both plump & chubby and tried to stand right,
But he didn’t fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.
Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.
But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight
“Merry Xmas, you lushes, now really get tight!”
Just one more sleep......Have Your Self A Very Merry Xmas